Tending a Garden before Tending to Romance

My friend’s roommate has a fabulous vegetable garden at their house. Recently I asked him if he’s always had a green thumb. He told me no with a smile. His first attempt at tending the plot had failed. He went on to tell me a little bit about how he has come to make sense of gardening, both its past failings and current successes.

“There is a movie that came out awhile back called 28 Days,” he told me. “It is about addicts trying to reintegrate into society after rehab. They are told not to get involved in a romantic relationship within the first year after recovery—which is totally counter-intuitive, of course, because people are desperate for intimacy and support more than ever during that time. Instead of a relationship, the program told the recovering addicts to start with a plant. If they could keep that alive for a year, one could progress to a pet. Then, after keeping that alive for a long time, one could give a romantic relationship a try. The idea was that if you can’t care for a plant for a year, you are probably not ready to care for another person in a serious, committed way.” He finished the story with a lighthearted suggestion that his original garden failure correlated with his (in)ability to care for someone well during that time in his life.

I’ve been thinking about this for the past two weeks while tending to a large, lush garden belonging to a friend’s parents. They are out of town on vacation, and living just up the street, they asked me keep their precious investment alive during this summer heat wave. My dad did most of the gardening at my house growing up and I’ve never had a garden of my own, so this is really the first long-term garden care I’ve done.

Standing in the hot sun beneath my wide-rimmed hat, gushing garden hose in hand, I have realized that, most often, I dream about all that I can reap from a future romantic relationship. Companionship. That excited, butterfly feeling of love. Security. Affirmation. I don’t spend much time thinking about all that romance will require of me, however. It takes a hell of a lot of effort to tend to a relationship, and I don’t give enough thought to all the patience, perseverance, and giving that will accompany even the best of romances.

I need to work on my commitment to loving others well if I am to indulge a romantic commitment that will make me feel loved. It takes a lot of work for love to blossom.

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